I have tried many different mental health websites to see if I could gain any new wisdom into my life. There is one out of Australia called MoodGym that is a sort of a fun adventure into a typical anxiety book you might find off the shelf. The Warpy Thoughts quiz is basically a dysfunctional thoughts evaluation which categorizes your responses into human needs such as approval, love, success, perfection, etc.
After filling out the survey, it asks you to write a summary of your strengths and psychological weaknesses. This was a helpful exercise in addition to the survey because I now have words to describe what my dysfunctional “constellation” is like.
I need to feel deserved because I feel I have not been given a lot of good things life. I feel I’ve been denied a lot from others through trauma and grief and it’s now time for things to come to me.
I feel I have strong influence over my life and its trajectory because of my capabilities and resources now. I feel powerful to be able to do anything and solve any problem. I certainly did well at creating a professional career out of failures.
I feel I need to succeed to do well. I grew up feeling very lonely and abandoned. I always needed more from friends than they could give. If I don’t succeed I will be destitute in the gutter. I need to protect myself and ensure I have a future.
Approval from others is important because it helps define my life vision and trajectory. Doing things in a vacuum is tough and forces me to constantly second guess. Doing things with others support is easier and affirming. I also am not actually that picky, but I cannot make independent decisions very well. I enjoy flowing with others moods and sensibilities as it gives me purpose.
External things do give me joy in some regards but perhaps on a 1-1 level. For example I like wearing nice or interesting clothes even when I don’t have to, it makes a statement and I can tell it moves people a certain way. But I wouldn’t care to have a nice car because I don’t want to be intimidating or separate. I want the direct social cues. I want to be desired and accessible.
Perfection is important to some degree but only as it regards my personal matters and in specific areas. I like people’s flaws and eccentricities, as if enjoying actors on stage. I use to be very concerned about my appearance and still am certainly over weight but I have relaxed that and given into that I have only a present life and I must live into the change I want to see instead of escaping this moment.
I love how the Aussies call it “warpy thoughts” which makes dysfunction sound whimsical and approachable. The word dysfunction itself has heavy connotations of being broken and shunned, when actually we all have a level of dysfunctional thinking. I like the idea of thoughts warping our reality, like a gooey lens across our eyes. We can’t just patch cracks in the glass to make the brain functional. Rather, we interpret in concepts and experiences, so we have to identify the whole picture, grab the lens and adjust it.
The biggest takeaway for me is understanding how I’m driven by others which in many ways reflects my ENFP personality. Often how we want to engage the world is also the way in which it reflects back to our darker sides.